Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Ch33v0z, My Addiction... My Shame

My name is ZEBRA NINER and I'm addicted to ch33v0z. That's right, I can say it... finally. I've done a lot of things in my life, I've done a lot of bad things for sweet ch33v0z. I can't help it, I'm an addict and it's a disease. I've played some pretty bad games for the sake of sweet cheevos, and as I look back on my gaming life I can see all the black marks of shame. Today, as I take an inventory of all the crimes I've committed against myself, I will share them with you (It's a step in a program I'm in.)

Sneak King-Winner!- Beat 1 Challenge. 5G
This one kind of got me started, they say the first one is free. It was kind of a goof, but I found myself playing this to see if I could get a couple of points. No turning back from this.

Spider-Man 3-Splat Master 2007- Splatted into the ground 25 times. 20G
The game wasn't that bad, but I actually put time into this ch33v0. Climbing up a building and launching myself off. Over, and over, and over again. Was it fun? No... but I had to do it.

Transformers-Transform and Roll Out-You've transformed for the first time 10G. This game was rough, it was rough all over. I'm not proud of any of the cheevos gained from this game, but this one only required you to push a button. Sad really.

Rayman Raving Rabbids-RAYMAN IN CAMERA-You have played the game with Xbox Live Vision! 50G. This was super lame. That game wasn't much fun, and this ch33v0 was so cheap. The 50 points is hard to turn down though... when it's looking all good, and it's been SO long... be gentle. Don't go buy the camera just for this ch33v0! (Buy the camera for Rainbow Six too)

Pimp My Ride-Pimp In The Making-Successfully pimped your first customer-10G. I'm ashamed that I even touched this game... it's AWFUL. This is possibly the worst game ever. Well, this and Space Giraffe.

Pimp My Ride-Ghost Ride the Town-Performed perfectly in a Ghost Riding Event-10G. The shame continues. I will say that what you have to do to gain this cheev0 is a sight to behold. It's something you must watch, but do it from afar. Kind of like a donkey show... you should see it once in your life, but for God's sake don't star in a donkey show.

The last two on my list of shame aren't all that bad as far as games go, but I have to add them because I played them without having any fun. I played them for points... bottom line. It's like killing a baby because you'll get a million dollars. Yes, it's wrong... but it's a million dollars.

Avatar: TLA: TBE- 1000G.
This is the easiest 1000 points you'll ever get. It can be done in 2 minutes, and is a very cheap way to boost your gamerscore. Let the ch33v0z rain. Check the video for an example.

Surf's Up- 1000G.
This game, while not a bad game, was not fun for me. It's more of a kids game, but the ch33v0z are so sweet. It's simple, kind of boring, and tedious. Ch33v0 farming at it's best.

Ahhh, I feel so much better getting that all off my chest. I think I've really turned a corner here... I think that I'll have this addiction under control from here on out! In fact, to celebrate... I'm going to treat myself to a couple of ch33vz! I mean... what could it hurt?


CyanideChrist33 said...

*sigh*... Ima grip 'n sip on the avatar.. I'd pay $7 for 1,000 points, regardless of the 2 1/2 minutes of stinky gameplay, as opposed to paying $60 (i still get wal-mart discounts)for hours of frustration and no ch33v5. I mean, why the hell not? *sob* I'm such a ch33v whore.. Props.

Anonymous said...

Hello, my name is... ok, I wont reveal my name just yet, cuz I have yet to come to terms with my cheevo addiction. However, I do have one quick analogy to make with all this cheev talkin, it gets u to think in new and twisted ways on how badly we can be addicted to these cheev things... it soon starts to come down to 'u dont care what the cheevo is, u just want to hear that sound of its release... like and e-orgasm for ur xbox!

See, the way I see it, all games are like whores... they all offer cheevs for different prices, different difficulty levels, different ways for making things impossible (the prudes, ei: GH3, the inhuman achievement), and so... as cheevo-holics (which i have yet to admit that i am, but most ppl consider me as one) we go around taking on these whores and seeing how much we can get out of them for whatever little or big price we pay. We do silly and tedious things just to the get this game to 'release' that e-orgasm of an unlocked achievement that it has stored into its core-structure, and in a sense... WE start to get off on that. That tone, that buzz, that loud sign of release... ur xbox yearns for them to keep coming, and ur ears love the sweet sound of that release....

so in conclusion, I would like to say that u can have all the whores u want out there in the world (we sure know there is plenty of them that exist) but that doesnt mean they will spread eagle at the instant u pop in the disc (like avatar, what a dirty cheap-ass whore she was, huh?) sometimes u gotta work a little harder... and longer... and put more effort into 'impressing' ur whore of a game to cheev-gasm for u.... all u gotta do is hit the right buttons ;)

so go ahead, beat me up scotty. I'm ready for my next hit. I'm ready to tap that... oh yeah, that's what she said!

Anonymous said...

p.s. Sometimes I like to just refresh ur blog page over and over and over again so i can hear that cheev-gasm release. I'm a sick cheevert and I know it.

ghett0yeti said...

Ok, I watched that video on Avatar. That is so ridiculous. I love it. I'm going to amazon right now to buy that game. Or maybe tomorrow. I have to go buy some heroin first. Black tar heroin.

CyanideChrist33 said...


That was one hell of an analogy... A bit graphic, yet entirely spot-on. I can't wait til I find that certain special ch33v-whore of a game that let's me administer the time tested "ATM", and then snowballs her grandmother (who's been watching these shenanigans with a carrot in her ass), who then feeds said carrot to my sweet ch33v-whore. Then snuggles with me, whilst whispering sweet nothings into my ear until I fall asleep in the fetal position. Cue ch33v blip: "Ch33v0 Unlocked - 100g Fat Girls Need Love Too".