Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Ch33v0z in a minute!

Good morning campers. Now that I've sobered up I can fulfill your desire for useless knowledge and senseless cursing with a few ch33v0s that are so easy to get, that I may even get them. You know...before the Coors and Tylenol PM kicks in (NOTE: Ch33v0 Unlocked, ghett0yeti, and highly discourage the mixing of alcohol and sleeping medication. At least for those under the age of 12)

So without further ado may I present Ch33voz in a minute - download edition:

Collect 4 different weapons power-ups. This should be done within the first 5 minutes of the game. What with all of the UFOs carrying tiny power-ups in the guise of shiny medals. If you can't do this, then...well, you suck at life and you're probably a terrorist. This game is a classic and everyone should know exactly when the power-ups are coming. If you can't aim in one of the 4 directions that Contra allows and shoot a tiny flying urn, ask your dad to do it for you. He'll probably hand you your ASS in Contra. Yes, your dad knows how to play video games. What do you think he did before he ruined his life by having children? He pumped enough quarters into Donkey Kong to turn that monkey into a fucking anchor. He also boned your mom. Think about that.

Complete single-player arcade mode without losing a match. I know what you're thinking "But every time I try to do that, Ryu rocks my face off with a shit storm of Hadokens. And Bison's never ending siege of Psycho Crushers is sure to end me". Well my child, fret not. Lay your head upon my bosom and I'll share with you the knowledge of the ages. Alright, it doesn't say you have to play on hard. Play on easy. I know it's kind of a drag beating the game so cheaply, but we're looking for easy cheevos here. So take them. Also, if you're having trouble with the aforementioned fuckload of fireballs then do what I do, play as Ken or Ryu and throw them faster. If you're playing on easy and your motor skills rank anywhere higher than "houseplant" it should be no problem.

100 games. I know...boring. Here's another game you can have your parents play for you. Old people love puzzles and pretty colors. Seriously. I guarantee that if you go through your parents internet history you'll find all kinds of puzzle games. Bejeweled, sudoku, Love Zoo. Trust me, for the sake of your sanity, we'll pretend that Love Zoo is a puzzle game and your dad was playing it at 3 am because it's just so addictive he couldn't sleep. HE WAS PLAYING A GAME!

Alright kids. There's a few for you. There's 60 easy points to add to your arsenal. Sure you could play COD4 for a month straight, break 2 controllers, a window, and your index finger for 20 points. Or, you could use these sweet, easy cheevoz and laugh in Zebra Niner's face. Although, he's probably better than everything.


ghett0yeti said...

Already commenting on my own post? Well, after some investigation I just realized that Zebra Niner called me out twice in one day. First to write about the cheevos in GHII. And later (on MSN...when I was shitfaced) to do one on easy cheevoz. I think he just wanted to see my abhorrent Photoshop skills. I chose the second...because I'm a filthy drunk and forgot about the first one. Later in the week...


Yes, yes... I did call you out for some sweet GH2 ch33vz, since you said they were "so easy a caveman could do it".

Since you are the n00b around here, I think it's best you stick to the easy ch33v0z for now.

Good job.


Oh, the graphic... NICE.

CyanideChrist33 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
CyanideChrist33 said...

Ok, this is the "download edition" of "ch33v0s in a minute". Hexic HD is standard equipment on the good 'ol 360. Just thought I'd throw that out there. IN YOUR FACE!



Oh snap son! You just served that mofo! Hollah! Hollah! Get some water over here, somebody just got BURNED!

Good catch, I'm not sure if Hexic is still showing up on the new machines. However, it's a valid point and this should really be called the "Arcade Edition".

Fyodor007 said...

You contra section was funny as hell.

ghett0yeti said...

You sir are a son of a bitch. Hexic is available as a download. If one were to delete Hexic from their console then decide later that they had made a horrible mistake, they could download it. And to that I say, touché.

CyanideChrist33 said...

Ahhh... Dammit. Touche indeed. But who in their right mind would delete such a precious gem from their XBOX 360? A masochist? Perhaps a mongoloid? No such blasphemies should be performed. Ever. Back atcha sucka!