Ch33v0z in a minute!

Good morning campers. Now that I've sobered up I can fulfill your desire for useless knowledge and senseless cursing with a few ch33v0s that are so easy to get, that I may even get them. You know...before the Coors and Tylenol PM kicks in (NOTE: Ch33v0 Unlocked, ghett0yeti, and blogger.com highly discourage the mixing of alcohol and sleeping medication. At least for those under the age of 12)

So without further ado may I present Ch33voz in a minute - download edition:

CONTRA - ARMORY

Collect 4 different weapons power-ups. This should be done within the first 5 minutes of the game. What with all of the UFOs carrying tiny power-ups in the guise of shiny medals. If you can't do this, then...well, you suck at life and you're probably a terrorist. This game is a classic and everyone should know exactly when the power-ups are coming. If you can't aim in one of the 4 directions that Contra allows and shoot a tiny flying urn, ask your dad to do it for you. He'll probably hand you your ASS in Contra. Yes, your dad knows how to play video games. What do you think he did before he ruined his life by having children? He pumped enough quarters into Donkey Kong to turn that monkey into a fucking anchor. He also boned your mom. Think about that.

STREET FIGHTER II: HYPER FIGHTING - HYPER WORLD CHAMPION
Complete single-player arcade mode without losing a match. I know what you're thinking "But every time I try to do that, Ryu rocks my face off with a shit storm of Hadokens. And Bison's never ending siege of Psycho Crushers is sure to end me". Well my child, fret not. Lay your head upon my bosom and I'll share with you the knowledge of the ages. Alright, it doesn't say you have to play on hard. Play on easy. I know it's kind of a drag beating the game so cheaply, but we're looking for easy cheevos here. So take them. Also, if you're having trouble with the aforementioned fuckload of fireballs then do what I do, play as Ken or Ryu and throw them faster. If you're playing on easy and your motor skills rank anywhere higher than "houseplant" it should be no problem.

HEXIC HD - HEXIC ADDICT
100 games. I know...boring. Here's another game you can have your parents play for you. Old people love puzzles and pretty colors. Seriously. I guarantee that if you go through your parents internet history you'll find all kinds of puzzle games. Bejeweled, sudoku, Love Zoo. Trust me, for the sake of your sanity, we'll pretend that Love Zoo is a puzzle game and your dad was playing it at 3 am because it's just so addictive he couldn't sleep. HE WAS PLAYING A GAME!

Alright kids. There's a few for you. There's 60 easy points to add to your arsenal. Sure you could play COD4 for a month straight, break 2 controllers, a window, and your index finger for 20 points. Or, you could use these sweet, easy cheevoz and laugh in Zebra Niner's face. Although, he's probably better than you...at everything.